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Once I heard a teen call another teen in the classroom “fat.” Because of my own painful experience of being picked on for being obese, I over reacted and verbally berated that teen in front of the whole class. And, as painful as this is to admit, I did it again after class.
As I’m hammering him, I can see him seething inside. I’d embarrassed him in front of his peers. A big “no-no” with teens, especially boys.
Two days later, I asked to speak to him privately. I said, “Thanks for agreeing to meet with me, Dave (not his real name). I just wanted to sincerely apologize for how I talked to you the other day. When you called Jason a “lard ass”, I literally felt like I was back in high school and my classmates were calling me the same name. I over reacted and disrespected you. And I’m sorry for that. I will work very hard to make sure that never happens again.”
He stood there in shock that a teacher was apologizing to him. He didn’t know what to say and stammered a bit “Uhh….ummm…OK?” I could tell he was asking himself in his head “Is this really happening?” I knew this and asked him, “Do you accept my apology?” to which he responded, “Uh..yeah, absolutely.” Then I asked him, “Hey I don’t want to embarrass you further, but I’d like to make a general apology to the class. I don’t want to draw any unnecessary attention to you, but I want others in the class to know that I know I reacted poorly, so that they’re not worried I’m going to “go off” on them. Would that be ok?” I really didn’t know how he was going to respond, but said “Yeah, I guess that’s OK.” The next day I made a very brief but sincere apology to the class for overreacting. Several of my students came to me and wrote to me that they were glad I did, they respected me more now and that they felt like they could relate to me because I wasn’t perfect either. They also commented that my apology to them made them feel important, which they felt many adults did not do.
I used to be afraid that if I apologized to a teenager I would give them even more ammunition to get to me.
Over the years I’ve discovered that risking vulnerability by apologizing for something we’ve done or for the way something we said or did was received, creates more openness, mutual respect in my relationship with teenagers. Many teens, in return, will offer their own apology for times when they’ve said or done things they knew to be hurtful.
Seven Steps for Effectively Apologizing to Teenagers
1. Affirm
If you’ve asked to meet with them for a one on one apology you can start by saying “Thank you so much for agreeing to visit with me today. You didn’t “have” to come, and you did, and I admire that. Thanks for agreeing to meet with me.”
This is an important step because the truth is, the teen doesn’t have to meet with you. They’re hurt, they could shut you out completely. And even if they “have” to meet with you, when you start here, you empower them. You make yourself relatable by stepping out of your position of authority and getting on their level.
2. Empathize and Validate
Start with this question: “What was it like for you when I _______________.”. This will be difficult for most teens to answer and many won’t be able to answer it, but it validates them when you ask it. It says to them “I don’t know everything especially about you and your reactions.” This endears you to them because it honors them and shows deep respect. If they don’t answer, you might say “I can only imagine what that might have been like for you. If someone had said/did something like that to me I’d have felt _______________ (embarrassed, ashamed, angry, etc).
This step is key because it says “Its OK and normal for you to feel that way or think that.” No one wants someone else to tell them they shouldn’t feel or think a certain way. When you intentionally validate their experience and feelings it is very powerful and endearing.
3. Be Vulnerable
This is where you admit what you did was wrong by saying “I realize what I’ve done and it was wrong. (even if they downplay it or say it didn’t bother them at all). I’m not sure what I was thinking or feeling when I did/said that.” or “after reflection I realized that I was experiencing/feeling _______. And the more I think about it I can only imagine how much that sucked for you. There’s no excuse for what I did.”
This is where we intentionally do not justify our behavior. Its easy to slip into a line of justification, especially when we acknowledge that we know why we did what we did. We share that not to justify, but if it helps us to be appropriately vulnerable. This is where we say “ I did what I did and it was wrong. Period. No excuses”
4. Express Remorse and Desire to Change
This is where we must explicitly apologize. We can do every other step but if we miss this one, it could all be for naught. If we miss this one, we risk the whole dialogue being written off as a justification, or an attempt at an apology. I’ve literally heard teens talk about this. One will ask “Well what did Mr. P want? Did he apologize?” then the other will say “Sort of. Not really, but I could tell he’s sorry.”
Saying the words while looking them right in the eye: “Look, Jenny, I’m sincerely sorry for saying/doing ______________ which I know hurt, angered, embarrassed, ________ you. I sincerely apologize for doing/saying that. I can’t promise to be perfect, I do promise to make every attempt never to say or do __________ again.”
At this point, most teens will nod and many will try to let us off the hook by saying “It’s OK Mr. P, its not a big deal, really.” They do this to remove the awkwardness that they feel. Sometimes I will respond to that by saying “You know I appreciate that, but it is a big deal to me, and I just needed to tell you how sorry I am for saying/doing that.” They’ll smile and say “really, its OK.”
5. Request Action
This is simply giving them a formal opportunity to do what they were trying to do earlier by diffusing the awkwardness. You will ask them, “So, does that mean you accept my apology?” or “I know this is a big request, but do you accept my apology?” This does not mean they forgive you, it just means that they are accepting and formally acknowledging that you’re sorry. You’d respond by saying “Thank you. You didn’t have to do that, I know, and I’m grateful.”
6. Express Openness
This gives them an opening now and/or in the future to continue the dialogue. Most teens will never broach the subject again. You’d ideally say “Is there anything you’d like to say to or ask me?” If “no” then immediately say “Thanks again for being willing to chat with me today. I’m glad you’re in my class/group/_______. “
7. Don’t beat yourself up
No one is perfect, and teens know we’re not perfect. Give yourself permission to let it go and learn from your mistake. Continuing to beat yourself up or continuing to bring it up will only irritate the teenager.
