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The Keeper of the Questions

October 3, 2011 By Leave a Comment

I’m in the final stretch of completing my new book. (yaye!) One chapter is entitled “Teens don’t need us for answers. They need us to hold them in their questions.” Searching for a quote to begin the chapter, I stumbled across this gem by Mike Yaconelli in my worn out copy of his book Dangerous Wonder.

“In a healthy family children’s questions are not about answers—their questions are about relationship. Children intuitively know their questions are welcome, appreciated. Safe. And not only are children’s questions welcome, but they are welcome. In a welcoming environment where questions are safe, children are infected with curiosity—a fascination with truth, an unrelenting hunger to know and be known, to capture and be captured, to touch and to be touched. When these children finally fall asleep at night, they are secure in the knowledge that the one who loves them is bigger than all their questions. They can sleep deeply, knowing they are safe in the arms of the Keeper of their questions”[emphasis added] (p. 35).

The Power of a Good Question

I’m often asked by catechists, teachers and parents “How would you answer this question: _______ (insert any number of tough questions posed by adolescents)” and usually model for them my answer by asking, “How would you answer that question?” I’m not being pedantic. I’m trying to show them that with the right questions we can lead people to deeper answers that they won’t soon forget. Often, when teens (and adults) want when they ask us those difficult faith questions, they’re not seeking an intellectual answer. They can find those online. They want us to validate their asking of the question and lead them to truth–not give it to them.

In over 30 years of formal education, I have one regret. It is that I spent more time amassing answers than I did I collecting questions. Today, I have a growing collection in a three ring binder near my desk. Today my students, both young and old, my children and my clients don’t need my answers as much as they need me to keep them, to hold them in their questions.

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Keeping Our Eyes on the Goal

September 28, 2011 By Leave a Comment

I’ve recently taken to the “sport” of darts. For a long time I focused on hitting the Bull’s Eye. I always assumed (as do most non-dart throwers) that hitting the bullseye was the most important, valuable shot.

Not so. Its slightly above that—the triple 20. The bull’s eye scores 50, while triple 20 is…you get the math

It can be easy to focus on the wrong goal. In no area is this more true than in Spirituality and Religion.

In Old Testament times we focused on a poor goat sending it off into the desert with our wrongs on its back. In the New Testament we did the same to non-Jews, hookers, tax collectors… and Jesus.

Religion is a Latin word which mean “To put back together.” Its purpose is to help put us “back together” with God. To that end, it is a great tool. For me, Christian Catholicism is the best tool I can find—and I’ve shopped a lot!

Yet even today the pattern of losing focus repeats itself.  For many religion has become an end in and of itself. Going to Church, praying, and following a certain ways of living are the goal—instead of a means to an end.

Intimacy with God is, always has been and always will be the goal.

An increasing number of people today are disenchanted with the Church and formal religion because they have experienced them portrayed and treated as idols. They’ve been told critiquing the tool or its craftsmen are tantamount to blasphemy. So they quietly slip into a passionless resignation, stop showing up, or stop caring while going through the motions. Their legacy? Bitter, cynical, cafeteria catholics who “can’t handle the truth”, and “have lost their way.”

This is not my experience of these people who comprise 85-90% of our Church. They are resistant not because they are bad, relativistic or lackluster, but because they don’t feel heard and understood. They’ve grown weary of being “fussed at” and talked down to because they don’t dress appropriately, contracept, cohabitate, listen to the wrong music, don’t spend enough time with their kids, work too much, spend too much, don’t give enough, don’t take the faith life of their children seriously enough and don’t make enough time to read Theology of the Body.

If the New Evangelization is going to be New, we must do something new. We must spend more energy and time understanding our target demographic and speaking to their perceived needs, hurts and fears offering them hope by holding up the goal, not the method. If not, our evangelization isn’t going to be new, it’ll be an ineffective, albeit refurbished model of scapegoating which drives shame laden sinners into the desert instead leading burdened sons and daughters home to their Father.

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Catholic Guilt or Catholic Shame?

August 16, 2011 By 2 Comments

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Needing to Be Right

August 5, 2011 By 4 Comments

Most of us, most of the time are driven by three ego needs:

1.    Look good
2.    Feel good
3.    Be right

Accuracy is an objective reality. Either the widget is or isn’t green. If it is green, whether or not I acknowledge that is immaterial. The widget is green—my not acknowledging it does nothing to change that reality.

Being right, on the other hand, is a subjective need of the ego. You say the widget’s green and I say its white. The green widget doesn’t need you to advocate for its greenness, it will be green regardless.

When you need me to agree with you that the widget is green you are no longer concerned about accuracy, but are being influenced by your ego’s need to “be right.”

Some protest, “But Roy, the widget is green.” So? Why do you need to convince me? Why do you need me to see things the way you see them? Your need for me to see the widget, world or even God the way you do is coming from your ego’s  need to be right.

In relationships, the need to be right always, not just sometimes, but always, interferes with experiencing intimacy. We narrow the criteria for connecting by saying “I can only be close to you if you agree with me.”

So can we only be intimate with those who agree with us? Is it possible to experience intimacy (closeness) when we cannot agree? The answer   is yes. But it can only happen if we value the relationship more than being right.

This is just as clearly seen on an institutional level. When I see “Catholics Come Home” signs I see “We’re right. You’re wrong.” We’re here, you are the one who left. Come home.”

What about a sign that says “We miss you. We’re here to listen. We would love an opportunity to apologize and help right anything we (as a body of Christ) may have done to hurt you.” Such a sign would not be pithy or catchy, but would be dangerous. The sheer shock of that sign would cause traffic accidents.

Whether we like it or not, many people, young and old, experience a vast disconnect between “Church” and the Christ who repeatedly took the humble stance, knelt down, girded himself with a towel and offered to wash their feet.

What about “Catholics, where are you? Can we come into your home?

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Four Reasons We Avoid Prayer

July 20, 2011 By 1 Comment

There are times when it is easy to pray and there are times in all of our lives when we cannot make ourselves pray, no matter how bad we may want to or try.

When I find it hardest to show up to spend time with God, I’m usually battling one of the four enemies of prayer.

1. Noise. Mother Teresa said “God speaks in the silence of the heart.” From iPods to iPhones we are inundated with noise. It is difficult to hear God’s “still small voice” in our noisy lives.  While this doesn’t mean that we must adopt the lifestyle of a monk, we might consider seeking out times during our day where we can be with God in silence.

2. Busy-ness. When we are in “busy” mode, we are usually in productive and efficient mode. Prayer is neither. It is a relationship. And when our schedules get tight, prayer is usually the first thing to go When we make prayer our highest priority, we may not get as many things done, but we are more likely to get the right things done.

3. Being in a Hurry. The first cousin of busy-ness is being in hurry. When we are busy we often try to move faster. It’s difficult to have a meaningful conversation when we’re preoccupied with the next thing on our “to do” list. God wants to converse with us on the deepest levels. When we slow down long enough we are more likely to hear God’s Standing Invitation to intimacy.

4. Past Hurts. We often underestimate the power of broken relationships, abuse, loss, grief, illness and disappointment. Slowing down enables us to quiet our hearts and gives the pain a chance to capture our attention. No one likes to hurt, and so we avoid, often unconsciously, memories of past hurts which bring that pain into our present moment. Prayer is the safest of places to bring our hurts, wounds and disappointments. It is a place where God seeks to reaffirm his love for us and lead us through the process of healing and forgiveness.

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Getting Past the Fear of Listening

June 29, 2011 By Leave a Comment

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Reaching Those Who Leave the Church

June 22, 2011 By 5 Comments

How we listen is more important that what we say in reaching out to those who have left the Church.

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Thank God It’s Friday (for only 12 more hours…)

March 25, 2011 By 11 Comments

A snapshot of my day (mind) last Friday…

Perform random act of kindness for a stranger.
Feel proud.
Hide a box of Girl Scout Cookies from Mindi for my Midnight snack. (and as a passive aggressive payback for putting us on a budget).
Feel devilishly proud.

Leave home to go minister.
Make the sign of the cross in front the Church.
Make a profane gesture to some jerk who wouldn’t let me out of my driveway.
Refuse to look at the lady who’s screaming at me for not letting her out of her driveway.
Think about handing her my card and a Lexapro.
Think: “cards are expensive and I need the Lexapro.”

Work hard trying to help people.
Drive home committed to being nice to fellow drivers.
Open a beer but remember I gave beer up for Lent (since I seldom drink it).
Think: “Damn.”
Uncork a bottle of wine.
Wonder: “What was I was thinking giving up alcohol for Lent? No more M&M’s it is!” I resolve (quietly in case I need to change again).

As its’ Friday forego the $4 hamburger for $50 worth of boiled Shrimp and Crawfish.
Think, “It’s good to be Catholic.”
Begin thinking about tomorrow night’s supper.
Think, “I should have done the Stations of the Cross.”
Ask Mindi what she thinks about tomorrow night’s dinner.
Remember that she eats to live, while I live to eat. And its 10pm and she’s sleeping.
Wonder if I’ll be up past midnight to enjoy a leftover link of boudin…
Resolve to make it happen.

Think about my Cajun Catholicism as I hear my mom’s voice (while she’s mauling a Popeyes fried chicken thigh on Good Friday and stuffing other items from the buffet in her foil lined purse) “Baby, Jesus didn’t have boudin on the cross.”
Feel guilty, because dispite the evident hypocrisy, I know there’s some merit to what she’s said.
Admire mom’s piety, paradoxical as it may be.
Think: “I should be more pious.”
Resolve to think more about that next week when I’m not meat deprived.
Start preparing evening soliloquy (prayer).
Wonder if my Friday fast will pay off on the scale tomorrow.
Think: “That’s the least God could do.”
Feel twinge of guilt and remember the people of Japan.
Resolve to play with the boys all day tomorrow.

Open an email telling me a recent talk was unclear and un-Catholic.
Think: “Doesn’t this person know who I am?”
Remember: “I grew up in a trailer.”
Think: “They may be right.”
Get a call from a recent host saying my words changed their life.
Obsess about the first call.
Call three friends hoping they’ll tell me I’m a good person.

Remember: “God loves me in my mess.”
See God grin at me in my mind’s eye.
Resolve to do better tomorrow.
Hear alarm go off to remind me its boudin time…
Pray: “Thank you Lord for boudin…and for my faith…and for loving the complete mess that I am. Amen.”

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God is in the Messiness of Our Lives

March 7, 2011 By 2 Comments

I drew this on the whiteboard above my “desk” (aka folding table) at home. It reminds me that God is present when:

  • things aren’t simple, easy or don’t work out as I would prefer
  • I battle with bouts of depression
  • My wife and I are not getting along (read: I don’t feel like listening)
  • I don’t feel like going to Church (praying, turning toward God)
  • others let me down
  • I let myself down
  • I let others down
  • I overeat (over consume, indulge in anything)
  • I am jealous
  • I miss loved one’s (my mom) who have passed away
  • those I love are suffering
  • lose my temper
  • my flight is delayed
  • people don’t like (agree with, affirm, congratulate, recognize, acknowledge) me
  • money is low and the month is young
  • the future is uncertain
  • my boys are needy and acting out (read: missing their daddy who is spending too much time helping other people connect with their kids or teaching them how to do what he’s not doing)
  • I can’t “fix” problems for my wife (clients, friends, acquaintances)

This Lent I’ll try to be more diligent in seeking God here, in the ordinary untidiness of my own life and heart.

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Persisting Through Resistence

March 3, 2011 By 1 Comment

Persistence is More Effective than Pushing

When young people are not interested in us or our message, many will either back off completely or try to push through their resistance in one big push. Neither of these are effective over the long term.

Most of our contact with young people won’t occur at one time events. That’s why persisting, rather than pushing through their resistance is important. When we stay engaged with them long enough applying our  presence (rather than pressure) over a longer period of time we will earn trust. Trust is important when you’re asking someone to give away their lives to Christ.

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