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Are Video Games Bad for Kids?

May 8, 2012 By Leave a Comment

I’m often asked “Are video games bad for kids?” There is no simple answer to that question. It is an issue that deserves careful consideration.

1. How much time should your child spend playing video games? Each family will have to answer this question for themselves, but it is estimated that the average american child spends upwards of 8 hours a day “connected” (TV, cell phone, computer, earbuds in). I would expect this statistic to rise drastically as more and more schools incorporate technology into the school day. A consequence of this “connectedness” is a decline in interpersonal relationship skills (social skills). If you are bringing gaming systems into your house, think through what boundaries (amount of time spent, time frames, etc) and the consequences that will result in not respecting those boundaries.

2.What types of games is s/he playing? I’ve heard some people suggest “There is no research that has conclusively proven that violent video games causes aggressive and violent behavior in young people.” And while there IS a growing body of research in this area, I don’t need the New England Journal of Medicine to conclusively prove to me that eating Kale and Spinach are better for my cardiovascular health than Popeyes fried chicken. Common sense. We know that one of the primary ways children learn is through modeling. What types of behavior are video games modeling for your child/teen?

3. Carefully Consider Bringing them In: One way to avoid the issue completely is to not bring them in the house. And while some suggest “That’s unrealistic Roy, all their friends are playing it!” I would s simply ask: “What do you want for your child? What every other child in America has? or do you want more than that for your child?”  Consider what you think is best for your child and act accordingly. Your child may not like it, but they will respect you for it. And respect is worth a lot more than being liked.

4. How else could your child spend their time? Are their other activities that help exercise their imagination and creativity? Are there activities outside they  can be involved in? Boys especially could benefit from more time moving their bodies than plopped in front of another screen manipulating a game controller.

5. What kids want most is a meaningful relationship with their parents. When they don’t get it, they’ll settle for other things, people and experiences.  Young people need us, adults to take initiative in these relationships. They want to spend time with us. Deep down, they want us to rescue them from the mediocre pseudo adventure they find in gaming and introduce them to a real adventure in an active life of service and adventure with us.

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Finding Your Purpose

April 27, 2012 By 2 Comments

In last Sunday’s bulletin, my pastor passed along a quote from the movie Hugo which he had recently watched. 

“Sometimes I come up here at night…just to look at the city. I like to imagine that the world is one big machine. You know, machines never have any extra parts. They have the exact number and type of parts they need. So I figure if the entire world is a big machine, I have to be here for some reason. And that means you have to be here for some reason, too…Maybe that’s why a broken machine always makes me a little sad, because it isn’t able to do what it was meant to do…Maybe it’s the same with people…If you lose your purpose…it’s like you’re broken.” 

Hugo’s right, “When you lose your purpose… it is like you’re broken.” But the converse is also true: when you’re broken, it is hard to see “purpose.” When we’re hurt, disappointed, betrayed, left behind, abused or neglected we don’t experience our lives as purposeful, significant or meaningful. 

How Do We Discover our Purpose?

“Your true purpose is to be found in God.” is something I read and hear a lot. And while I agree, it is important to remember that this is a process. We don’t start there. We start by feeling significant to one other person–be them a parent, loved one, a spouse. Ideally our lives are a journey of seeing ourselves as significant to different people, different groups of people  whose affection for us enables us to see ourselves (and our purpose) in a God whom we cannot see.

Finding our purpose, our life’s meaning our “place in the machine” happens over time, one person at a time. In times of brokenness it will be most difficult to see. It is usually through reflecting on our lives, praying with our lives (as the sum of our relationships and experiences) that we come gradually to see God’s hand in it all.

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The Struggle of Creativity

April 4, 2012 By 1 Comment

When I stumbled across this on Pinterest, the “writer” in me was affirmed. Then I thought about the times in ministry I “struggled” and felt tempted to throw in the towel.  All of us, be it professionally or otherwise, are called to create–we are called to participate in the creative endeavor of God. Yet most of us don’t see ourselves as “creative.” But we are.

“Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story. It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta fight your way through.” — Ira Glass

All who do creative work will struggle at some point, for some time. We will go through a “dip”, will hit the “wall” will get “blocked.” Yet it is important that we frame that as temporary. Nothing (in this life) lasts forever…even the struggle.

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Preparing for Today’s LA Congress Workshop

March 25, 2012 By 4 Comments

After yesterday’s workshop “Fishers of Men or Keepers of the Aquarium–Reclaiming Our Call to Minister to the Unchurched, Non churchgoing and Uninvolved” I received emails with questions and requests for specific content in today’s follow up session “What Got Us Here Wont Get Us There: The New Skills Needed for the New Evangelization.” Much of it wasn’t what I had planned to say and as odd as it sounds, I was pumped about that. My favorite part of every workshop, etc is Q & A. It is an opportunity for me to hear the actual needs of folks in the ministry trenches, and offer specific help within their specific situation. And often, we get to continue the dialogue via Facebook or email after the session if I deem the content not applicable to the larger audience.

Also, since I get asked this question a lot “How do you write your talks?” I figured this would be the best way to answer. As you can see I don’t “write them” I brain dump. After this brain dump in my notebook, I’ll try to order ideas, points and stories on a yellow legal sheet of paper–all the while deciding what to leave out.  What doesn’t make it into the “presentation” is just as important as what does. Then I’ll write a about ten points on a note card or some other page in my notebook that I’ll refer to if necessary during my presentation. It is at this point, and not until this point, that I begin organizing, amassing visual/audio aids. Most often I use Keynote which is very light on words and image heavy. I use LOTS of slides…because they’re free! I always use 42 pt Impact font w/ black and red text on a white background because this is easiest to see even in poor lighting–which you can almost always count on–poor lighting.

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Prayer and Unmatched Socks

November 10, 2011 By 1 Comment

Prayer time often feels like an unsuccessful sifting through my basket of unmatched socks, saying “screw it”, throwing all of my unmatched socks in the trash and heading to Wal Mart to buy a new batch.

Today was much the same. Of the 50 minutes I sat on the couch in my office to pray my time was spent roughly like this:

20 minutes thinking about the stuff I have to get done.

3 minutes looking for the perfect pen and paper to record these interruptions.

2 minutes doodling because I’d forgotten what I wanted to remember.

5 minutes beating myself up for things that won’t get done or done to my perfectionist standards.

1 minute feeling guilty that my wife has to work and I don’t provide enough for her to stay home with our youngest son.

1 minute thinking about emails I received about my last article telling me how wonderful I am.

1 minute thinking about a recent Facebook post which prompted one person to message me suggesting I’ve forsaken my faith and God and were pretty sure I was on the verge of inventing a new heresy.

1 minute on my iPhone looking for an app on prayer.

Laughed when I thought about my friend choking on a piece of pizza last night when his mother in law greeted me saying “I hear you’re a renowned speaker. And then seeing my wife’s face which indicated she could substitute a number of other words for ‘speaker’ and knowing she’d be more correct.

Felt a sudden pain in my side and worried for several minutes I was having appendicitis.

Realized it was a result of the bologna sandwich, cheese puffs and diet coke I had slammed down for lunch in honor of my late cousin Howard–whom when we were four I allegedly (according to HIS mother) slammed a real phone over his head for finishing his cheese puffs and reaching into my plate and taking two of mine. Belly laughed out loud because I’d nearly done it again three years ago when we were 34.

Concluded I wasn’t praying well and I should do something productive.

Stood up and threw darts—missed the board, hit my damn diploma and sat back down to give God another chance.

Felt sad. Sensed God put his arm around me and say nothing.

Started to cry.

Stopped crying.

Sensed God say, “I’m really sorry about Howard.”

Nodded, and said “Its good to know you noticed and care.”

Felt awkward, thought about changing the subject to darts, but couldn’t bear to hear God validate the fact that I suck at darts.

Heard God say, “I know how much you loved him. I can’t imagine how much you miss him.”

Started crying again.

Got up to start working and said “I may not be here tomorrow, or the next day. And Sunday, as you know I focus more on the boys than I do you, so… maybe Monday?”

God smiled.

“But I may be back tomorrow, it just depends how I feel.” I said.

Sensed God say, “I’ve got an iEverything now and have Hanging with Friends and Angry Birds, so I have plenty to keep me busy while I wait. Don’t worry about me. I’m good. I’ll be here when you’re ready.”

“Thanks.”

Prayer: Lord, help me to pray as I can, not as I cannot. Amen.

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Guest Post: “Thank God I’m Wrong”

November 3, 2011 By Leave a Comment

I’m grateful to my colleague Melissa Lowery, L.P.C. for allowing me to post her excellent article on handling the inevitable disappointments we experience when “life” doesn’t go our way. 

I was inspired by a recent women’s event at Asbury United Methodist Church to think on my own spiritual journey, and if I had my own pearls of wisdom, or “pearls of faith” to pass on, what would they be? It simply comes down to one pride-swallowing admission: Thank you, Lord, for being so much smarter than I am.

I am a planner. I will not say that I am a control freak (who wants to admit that?), but I do like for things to go predictably according to my expectations. No one likes the feelings of disappointment and anxiety that go along with adjustment and, dare I say it, being wrong. But, I am infinitely grateful that my mistakes and well-intentioned plans are overseen by someone who knows so much more than I do about what is right for me.

So, how do we engage in a relationship with God that is not equivalent to that of a petulant child (“Here, Lord, I give this over to you… No, now I want it back… No, you can take it… No, it’s mine.”)? Is it humanly possible to trust God more than we trust ourselves? Larry Crabb suggests there are steps in the spiritual process that allow for pain, change, and healing, all in the journey of bringing us closer to God through self-awareness:

1)    “Shattered dreams are necessary for spiritual growth.” We often feel we know what is best, and we establish dreams and hopes in pursuit of that perception. So, we experience disappointment and even grief when they do not go according to plan. Some dreams need to be broken in order to proceed the way God intends.

2)    “Something wonderful survives everything terrible, and it surfaces most clearly when we hurt.” Looking back, some of my most challenging times in life brought on the strongest, most fervent efforts of soul-searching. I was open to new emotions, insights, and relationships, because I recognized whatever I was previously doing had not worked.

3)    “Some dreams important to us will shatter, and the realization that God could have fulfilled that dream pushes us into a terrible battle with Him.” When a most cherished dream is shattered, such as the death of a loved one, our nature is to question God – why did He allow it, or why did He not prevent it? At some point, we experience tension with God.

4)   “Only an experience of deep pain develops our capacity for recognizing and enjoying true life.” If I always give my daughter candy, she will never learn to like vegetables. Just as we experience lesser wants to our satisfaction, we never know to strive for something greater.

5)    “No matter what happens in life, a wonderful dream is available… That experience, strange at first, will eventually be recognized as joy.” The past is not to be recaptured but to be used as a launching pad for new, joyful dreams as God designs.

If we trust God’s dreams for us, not our own, we are open to experience joy. If a dream is shattered, we should feel as we need to feel – hurt, sad, confused – then, we open ourselves to what is next on our path. The more confidence we have in God, the more confidence we have in our own judgment to make sound and faithful decisions for our lives.

Melissa Lowery is a counselor at Pax Renwal Center where she specializes in working with adolescents, phase of life issues for women, and couples counseling. She lives with her daughter Claire and husband Rob in Lafayette, LA. Email her at melissa@paxrenewalcenter.com .

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Choosing Forgiveness

October 30, 2011 By 1 Comment

Bud Welch’s 23-year-old daughter, Julie, was killed when the Murrah Federal Building was bombed in Oklahoma City on April 19, 1995. He wrote in 2001 about his journey and struggle in the process of forgiveness.

Statue outside the Murrah bldg in OK city. Below statue reads "And Jesus Wept"

“All my life I have opposed the death penalty. Friends used to tell me that if anyone ever killed one of my family members, I would change. But I always said I’d stick to my guns. Until April 19.

The first four or five weeks after the bombing I had so much anger, pain, hatred and revenge, that I realized why, when someone is charged with a violent crime, they transport him in a bullet-proof vest. It’s because people like me would try to kill him.

By the end of 1995 I was in such bad shape, I was drinking heavily and smoking three packs of cigarettes a day. I was stuck, emotionally, on April 19. I just couldn’t get over it. But I knew I had to do something about it. That’s when I went down to the bombing site.

It was a cold January afternoon, and I stood there watching hundreds of people walking along the chain link fence that surrounded the lot where the Murrah Building had stood. I was thinking about the death penalty, and how I wanted nothing more than to see Timothy McVeigh, and anyone else responsible for the bombing, fried.

But I was also beginning to wonder whether I would really feel any better once they were executed. Every time I asked myself that question, I got the same answer: No. Nothing positive would come from it. It wouldn’t bring Julie back. After all, it was hatred and revenge that made me want to see them dead, and those two things were the very reason that Julie and 167 others were dead….

Forgiveness is a struggle, but it’s one I need to wage. Forgiving is not something you just wake up one morning and decide to do. You have to work through your anger and your hatred as long as it’s there. You try to live each day a little better than the one before.”

Source: The Plough Reader Spring 2001

H/t to Inward/Outward

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The Myth of “Everyone Else”

October 25, 2011 By 2 Comments

One evening last week my wife, Mindi, was frantically searching for a “paper” that needed to be signed and returned to school with our 1st grade son Max. After

From Hugh MacLeod's Gapingvoid Blog

an exasperated, resigned sigh, she said “Why can’t we get it together? What’s wrong with us? It seems like everyone else has it all together except us.”

“I hear ya.” I said. “I feel that way too–alot. But I know for a fact that everybody doesn’t have it all together.”

Despite well maintained homes, vehicles, clothing, shiny credit cards, trendy Christmas cards, the latest in Halloween décor, and the smiles no one has it all together. The reality is that on any given day most people….

…feel stuck in the quicksand of grief watching life pass them by.
…put their lives on hold in order to take care of a sick relative.
…watch urgent items on their “to do” list fall through the cracks because life served them up something critical which demanded all their attention.
…worry they are not doing enough, saying the right things or doing too much for their kids.
…feel as though they should be doing something more meaningful, “purpose driven” with their lives.
…regret not spending enough time with or saying I love you enough to a loved one before they died
…live beyond their means
…get behind on their taxes.
…regret making poor decisions.
…sleep, eat, drink, spend, talk, surf, play too much.
…pray to little, not well enough.
…put off important things to play with their kids.
…put off their kids to get important things done.
…feel a mixture of guilt and anxiety about both of the previous two
…don’t exercise—or at least as often as they should.
…don’t follow their doctor’s, therapist’s advice.
…feel like they’re not getting anything out of Mass.
…believe everyone’s holier than them
…wish their kids would eat their vegetables.
…wish they ate their vegetables.
…see the connection between the previous two but don’t feel like doing anything about it.
…have messy houses which they scramble to clean (throw stuff in closets and under beds) or have cleaned before guests arrive.
…put off visiting our sick or aging relative.
…don’t go to the graveyard.
…don’t visit relatives or friends in the nursing home.
…forget to send thank you notes.
…have to borrow money from relatives, friends and institutions.
…have had days when they don’t want to get out of bed.
…wonder if God hears their prayers.
…wonder if God cares.

St. Paul said it best: we all fall somewhere short of God’s glory. This isn’t a pass to be a “slacker”, but does help to explain why no one has nor ever will have it all together. It invites us to trust a God who dwells within and among us who does hold it all together. It points to the counterintuitive love of a God who cares more about being together with us than us holding it together for him.

Prayer: God, give us the grace to allow you to be the Lord of the Messiness and Untogetherness of our Lives. Amen.

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The Keeper of the Questions

October 3, 2011 By Leave a Comment

I’m in the final stretch of completing my new book. (yaye!) One chapter is entitled “Teens don’t need us for answers. They need us to hold them in their questions.” Searching for a quote to begin the chapter, I stumbled across this gem by Mike Yaconelli in my worn out copy of his book Dangerous Wonder.

“In a healthy family children’s questions are not about answers—their questions are about relationship. Children intuitively know their questions are welcome, appreciated. Safe. And not only are children’s questions welcome, but they are welcome. In a welcoming environment where questions are safe, children are infected with curiosity—a fascination with truth, an unrelenting hunger to know and be known, to capture and be captured, to touch and to be touched. When these children finally fall asleep at night, they are secure in the knowledge that the one who loves them is bigger than all their questions. They can sleep deeply, knowing they are safe in the arms of the Keeper of their questions”[emphasis added] (p. 35).

The Power of a Good Question

I’m often asked by catechists, teachers and parents “How would you answer this question: _______ (insert any number of tough questions posed by adolescents)” and usually model for them my answer by asking, “How would you answer that question?” I’m not being pedantic. I’m trying to show them that with the right questions we can lead people to deeper answers that they won’t soon forget. Often, when teens (and adults) want when they ask us those difficult faith questions, they’re not seeking an intellectual answer. They can find those online. They want us to validate their asking of the question and lead them to truth–not give it to them.

In over 30 years of formal education, I have one regret. It is that I spent more time amassing answers than I did I collecting questions. Today, I have a growing collection in a three ring binder near my desk. Today my students, both young and old, my children and my clients don’t need my answers as much as they need me to keep them, to hold them in their questions.

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Keeping Our Eyes on the Goal

September 28, 2011 By Leave a Comment

I’ve recently taken to the “sport” of darts. For a long time I focused on hitting the Bull’s Eye. I always assumed (as do most non-dart throwers) that hitting the bullseye was the most important, valuable shot.

Not so. Its slightly above that—the triple 20. The bull’s eye scores 50, while triple 20 is…you get the math

It can be easy to focus on the wrong goal. In no area is this more true than in Spirituality and Religion.

In Old Testament times we focused on a poor goat sending it off into the desert with our wrongs on its back. In the New Testament we did the same to non-Jews, hookers, tax collectors… and Jesus.

Religion is a Latin word which mean “To put back together.” Its purpose is to help put us “back together” with God. To that end, it is a great tool. For me, Christian Catholicism is the best tool I can find—and I’ve shopped a lot!

Yet even today the pattern of losing focus repeats itself.  For many religion has become an end in and of itself. Going to Church, praying, and following a certain ways of living are the goal—instead of a means to an end.

Intimacy with God is, always has been and always will be the goal.

An increasing number of people today are disenchanted with the Church and formal religion because they have experienced them portrayed and treated as idols. They’ve been told critiquing the tool or its craftsmen are tantamount to blasphemy. So they quietly slip into a passionless resignation, stop showing up, or stop caring while going through the motions. Their legacy? Bitter, cynical, cafeteria catholics who “can’t handle the truth”, and “have lost their way.”

This is not my experience of these people who comprise 85-90% of our Church. They are resistant not because they are bad, relativistic or lackluster, but because they don’t feel heard and understood. They’ve grown weary of being “fussed at” and talked down to because they don’t dress appropriately, contracept, cohabitate, listen to the wrong music, don’t spend enough time with their kids, work too much, spend too much, don’t give enough, don’t take the faith life of their children seriously enough and don’t make enough time to read Theology of the Body.

If the New Evangelization is going to be New, we must do something new. We must spend more energy and time understanding our target demographic and speaking to their perceived needs, hurts and fears offering them hope by holding up the goal, not the method. If not, our evangelization isn’t going to be new, it’ll be an ineffective, albeit refurbished model of scapegoating which drives shame laden sinners into the desert instead leading burdened sons and daughters home to their Father.

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