Needing to Be Right
August 5, 2011 By 4 Comments
Most of us, most of the time are driven by three ego needs:
1. Look good
2. Feel good
3. Be right
Accuracy is an objective reality. Either the widget is or isn’t green. If it is green, whether or not I acknowledge that is immaterial. The widget is green—my not acknowledging it does nothing to change that reality.
Being right, on the other hand, is a subjective need of the ego. You say the widget’s green and I say its white. The green widget doesn’t need you to advocate for its greenness, it will be green regardless.
When you need me to agree with you that the widget is green you are no longer concerned about accuracy, but are being influenced by your ego’s need to “be right.”
Some protest, “But Roy, the widget is green.” So? Why do you need to convince me? Why do you need me to see things the way you see them? Your need for me to see the widget, world or even God the way you do is coming from your ego’s need to be right.
In relationships, the need to be right always, not just sometimes, but always, interferes with experiencing intimacy. We narrow the criteria for connecting by saying “I can only be close to you if you agree with me.”
So can we only be intimate with those who agree with us? Is it possible to experience intimacy (closeness) when we cannot agree? The answer is yes. But it can only happen if we value the relationship more than being right.
This is just as clearly seen on an institutional level. When I see “Catholics Come Home” signs I see “We’re right. You’re wrong.” We’re here, you are the one who left. Come home.”
What about a sign that says “We miss you. We’re here to listen. We would love an opportunity to apologize and help right anything we (as a body of Christ) may have done to hurt you.” Such a sign would not be pithy or catchy, but would be dangerous. The sheer shock of that sign would cause traffic accidents.
Whether we like it or not, many people, young and old, experience a vast disconnect between “Church” and the Christ who repeatedly took the humble stance, knelt down, girded himself with a towel and offered to wash their feet.
What about “Catholics, where are you? Can we come into your home?
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